"A LIFE IN TRANSFORMATION"

A LENTEN REFLECTION SERIES

“WHO DO YOU SAY I AM?”

“A LIFE IN TRANSFORMATION"

Friday, February 27, 2015"A LIFE IN TRANSFORMATION"

Metamorphoo (Greek); Metamorphosis, Transfigure, Transform! These are the words we use to describe the process of life changing from one way to another .It is a reversal that occurs from within and is demonstrated by actions. It takes place in the very core of our being. It changes our thoughts, our movements, our perspective of how we see ourselves and others and it is renewal, being born anew, giving way for the true and authentic self. This transformation takes place when the Divine Christos, the Chosen One covers our very spirit with the oil of healing and calls into life our true selves. The Season of Lent, of renewal especially invites us to be mindful of this divine process. It is in this time that we experience the shifting of our interior being and participate in the emergence of our pure identity from one character to another.

Over the past few weeks I have had to allow this to take place in myself and I have also had the privilege of observing it in others. By grace I have been able to look at myself and my addictions and how I have been asked to go deeper and look attentively how they have controlled my life. How they have been used to anesthetize me, deceitfully comfort me and have kept me from sincerely seeing who I really am. Why? Because I have lived in the fear of seeing myself where I have been hurt, disappointed and disillusioned, where I have resisted the call to go deeper into the darkness of the caves of my heart. This has been painful but I have been given grace daily to move forward and to travel into these places. In and through this I can already see little by little the shackles being loosed, my breath becoming more relaxed and filled with the fresh air of hope and my entire being covered with the oil of healing. I am becoming aware and alive! This takes place slowly with surrendering, again by grace to the Christ of mercy, being accountable to others which gives me the courage and  permission to confess and in so doing become healed. I am calmly being drawn to who I really am. 

The focal point of my addictions is food. I have had the light of the Divine permeate my thoughts, words and actions. That light has brought illumination to the crevices of my mind and heart that have cried out to be helped, to be rescued and to be brought into rebirth! I have also received the oil of healing in the stories of others. They have proclaimed their stories, their journeys and their struggles which have been overcome by grace, unconditional love, acceptance and courage. They have been a healing balm and an example of lives transformed!

Who do you say I am?

You, Oh Christ are the anointed One, the one who pours out your healing oil to my very soul!

WHO DO YOU SAY I AM?

A LENTEN REFLECTION SERIES

“WHO DO YOU SAY I AM?”

ASH WEDNESDAY

I am always struck of the bareness of the church when I enter on Ash Wednesday. Everything  is covered, all signs of life, even the alleluias are not spoken for forty days! But yet there is a great silence, a quietness that invites my spirit to be still. It is as though all things have been put to sleep and is waiting in that silence. I look up and there is a plain cross and behind it is draped the color purple, the symbol of penance. I know this cross is inviting me to a deeper place, that place of sorrow, turning away from all the habits that hinder me. My addictions, fears, anxieties and my continued belief that I can do things on my own! This cross, this purple speaks to me just the opposite. It speaks with love, grace and mercy and invites me to receive these graces and unconditional love so I can be free. Free of the things that have hindered me this past year, months and days and sometimes my entire life! I am asked to turn away from them and to turn towards the cross and humble myself. Wow, what a concept to humble myself, it is so counterintuitive and countercultural. Lent though means spring and it is a time of renewal, letting go and the emergence of hope. I have not been promised that these forty days of Lent will be easy but I am promised new life and resurrection as I, by grace submit and let go to this amazing invitation that in time humbles me in a way that restores me and brings me deep peace. Are we not all sorry for things we have done, have failed to do? Do we not all have regrets and wished we had not done something? It is common unto all of humanity. Do we not all want to let go, turn from those hinderances and take a deep breath of freedom?

As I was walking to receive the ashes, I was also walking toward that plain cross. As the ashes were placed on my forehead and the sign of the cross was made I heard these words spoken; “From dust you have come, from dust you will return.” I knew I was in the Presence of the One who Created me, created me in the image and likeness of God…….I was humbled. For it is not I who is control, it is not I who can do it on my own (although often I think I can) but Christ in his mercy and love gives me the desire, softens my heart and moves me to change, repent if you will and to be transformed more deeply into that likeness and image deeply and authentically. It is here in these forty days that I experience death and in so doing I am renewed with the splendor of resurrection life!

“Have this mind in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: who, existing in the form of God, counted not the being on an equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a servant, being made in the likeness of men; and being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, becoming obedient even unto death, yea, the death of the cross.” 

Phillippians 2:5-8

Humility (humble) is from the Latin word(s) humilitas, humilis which mean “of the earth,” low, grounded.”

I say, You Oh Christ are humble.

May each of us receive the graces of Lent, pour out our hearts and become renewed with Resurrection life!

THANK YOU, 2014

The year of 2014 has been filled with changes. It has brought new life and a deep gratitude for  my Creator and for each one of you who have journeyed with me. This includes my family, my community at St. Agnes Church in San Francisco, my Dog Park Community and my community in my neighborhood of Cole Valley. Each of you have played a part in encouragement, challenging me to move ahead and through it all you have exhibited love. I am also grateful to my friends on Face Book. Often we think and say what a waste of time this is but FaceBook has allowed me to stay in contact with those near and far bringing together those whom I have known for decades and those whom I have known but a short time.

After being in a wheelchair for over a year I finally received my prosthesis for my right leg in the middle of June. Through an amazing physical therapy team which includes not only UCSF but friends from my neighborhood and dog park but also my co-workers at Enchanted Hills Camp in Napa. It was there that I initially began to walk during the summer. It was here where I needed to be vulnerable and a bit dependent as I took my first steps with a walker, a cane and eventually on my own free of any support devices. I am grateful.

In July I became a board member for the Independent Living Resource Center of San Francisco. This is an organization for advocacy for people with disabilities and paving ways for independence and freedom. This includes programs, speaking out for disability rights and advocacy. I am grateful for this opportunity to serve in this capacity.

August brought a family reunion on my mother”s side of the family, the Ryan’s. It was so wonderful to see cousins I haven’t seen in decades but were so close to when we were children. It was filled with joy. I was able to visit my brother and sister, niece and great nieces, Wayne and Paula and I was able to spend significant time with my cousin whom I call Aunt Rosemary. She has in many ways been a second mother to me over the years. I also got to spend time with my cousin Mike, his wife Jackie and their son and daughter Sarah and Tony. Mike and I were mischief makers as kids and guess what? We still are! 

Lest I not forget the great lunch I had with some of my grammar, junior high and high school friends in Saratoga; Lynn Nutter Eddy, Susan Cramer Colleen Brundage, Maryanne Brundage Fredericks and Fred Lee. What a time it was reminiscing, looking at one another and thinking, Wow, we’ve not aged, we’ve grown richer and deeper and besides that we look great, just like we hadn’t aged much at all! Of course the lighting was a little dim, our vision isn't what it used to be but…….Hey!

I must also mention what a delight it was to spend time with an old, ok not old but long time childhood friend Tom Benson. 

Onward to Boston where I spent time with Rich Arnold, his lovely wife Carolina, beautiful daughter Gabriela and Matt her ever clever and humorous fiancee. Rich is like a brother to me and he and I have known each other since SUNY Albany days. Rich donated one of his kidneys to me in January, 2010 and saved my life in the process.

On October 28cannot I started my own business in medical case management, VENIA CASE MANAGEMENT. I have been blessed thus far with five clients. It is both exciting and scary. 

I have also been privileged to serve the poor and homeless this year in ways I never dreamt possible. I have gotten to know a number of people in the homeless community in our neighborhood and also have begun volunteering at the Wellness Center in San Francisco. The Wellness Center is part of a ministry through St. Vincent dePaul and many in our community at St. Agnes are a part of this. My hope is to begin a group called “Our Stories” which would encourage participants to share their stories, what gifts they believe they have and what have they done that day to encourage someone and to bring life and healing to them. I am also on an advisory board at the Wellness Center which is prayerfully discerning spiritual formation and spiritual direction. I am privileged to be a part of this. I also participated in early December at a retreat for Non Violent Communication. This was eye opening and it is my hope I will become more a part of this in this coming year.

Thank you, all of you for your love, encouragement, practical serving me when I was in need and your prayers. Words cannot express my true gratitude and the love I have for each of you.

May 2015 bring you peace in body, soul and spirit.

TODAY IS HOLY SATURDAY

This day is Holy Saturday, the period of silence, stillness and deep waiting. Yesterday was Good Friday and with it the profound suffering of humanity made manifest in the Crucifixion of Christ. My soul has been made tender, raw through these last couple of days as I have been keenly aware of this walk. This walk, as Christ's is mixed with passion, suffering and feeling alone. At moments it seems as though there is no hope and yet just as Jesus fell along his road with his cross and was offered help so it is in my life. Jesus' face was wiped, Simon the Cyrene assisted him with his cross when it became to heavy and none of this was comfortable.

In the past couple of days my walk has been full of disappointments, hopes seemingly dashed and discouragement often flooding my soul in such a way that I have had to stop. My cares, my cross seemed to heavy. I simply had to and have to acknowledge it! This is not comfortable but true. Just as Christ needed help from Simon to carry his cross, so I have needed help in carrying mine. This is a time of letting go, recognizing loss and being dependent, vulnerable. It is the place where faith is summoned to come alive and live in trust. There is a part of this that must be walked alone to do its work for it is a moment that I become face to face with Jesus' humanity and Christ's Divinity. It is humbling and it causes me to be struck in awe and fall prostrate within my soul.

Hope seems a far when crucifixion takes place. In death and burial is silence, stillness and great waiting. It is Holy Saturday.

As the day moves forward there will begin the tremors and rumbling within my soul and my spirit as the stone is quaked away from my heart.

Can you hear it?

Today is Holy Saturday, for now I wait in silence.

THE WASHING OF THE FEET OR IS IT FOOT?

THE WASHING OF THE FEET
OR
IS IT FOOT?

Today we as Christians observe Holy Thursday at which time Jesus the Servant washed the feet of his disciples. Today also marks one year ago that I had a right below the knee amputation. Both are solemn and both are humbling.

As I reflect on this day I ponder Jesus, his heart, sacrifice and love. I also ponder all of you. My communities of family, friends and strangers. How you as Jesus have shown care, humility, kindness and love. At times throughout this year it has been overwhelming and humbling as each of you have reflected that love and always with grace.

You, as instruments have been the hands and heart of Christ for me unknowingly but for me there has never been a doubt. The outpouring of your love has been ceaseless. Your words of encouragement, visiting me in the hospital, caring for me in my home when it was needed, shopping and preparing meals, wheeling me up the hills of San Francisco when I have been to tired or lazy, cheering me on every step as I have battled health insurance, your humor which has been as healing balm to me, your listening ears. All of you have been a comfort and deeply in your hearts embraced me and set me free of myself. You are that heart not only as individuals but as a community. I am grateful!

This year has shown me loss, grief and sorrow but it has also shown me life, power and the hope of resurrection. Nothing is for naught and all things do deep work within if we say yes, by grace and I have been given that grace. Grace that has come through all of your prayers whether it has been done in thought, word or deed. It has not always been easy but all of you have been present.

In the quiet of my mornings and the stillness of my nights I am moved within to a deeper space. A space that has caused me to recollect and to discern what is of death to the soul and what is of life. I choose life. It has had its share of mire and thorns along the way but it has been cleansing, full of freedom and opportunities to let go and realize what are the important things. These things are not really things at all but love, they are you.

As I go to Holy Thursday mass tonight and I observe the Washing of the Feet all of you will be with me. With me as I remember Jesus who washed the feet of his disciples but also the feet of all with tender mercy and compassion so all of you have done unto me. I may have only one physical foot but you have given me many.

May you experience that cleansing, unconditional love and compassion especially this day and night within the depths of your hearts.

YOU AWAKEN

It is only

You

Who awakens 

My

Lifeless soul

Who raises it up

And

Springs it into

Consciousness

Out of darkness

Blind

Distractions

Whirl 

Confusion

Chaos

Hurls one

Into a

Storm

Reason 

Relinquished

Searching

Slamming

Into

Fraudulent

Factualness

Fog

Despair

A cry

From the

Depths

Transcendent

Translucent

You

Emerge

Hope

 is

Your

Gift 

Truth

Is 

Your

Peace

Authenticity

Your

Piercing

Transformational

Light

You

Reclaim

My

Soul

Will Simpson

7 April, 2014

BALM FOR THE SOUL

From a distance as I entered the Dog Park I saw three homeless men I recognized waving to me, one of them was A.J.with his pit bull Back-up. I acknowledged them but continued onto a different part of the park as I was with a friend whom I wanted to catch up with. Moments later A.J. came over and sat across from me and with an anxious look asked, "How do you handle stress?" Wow, I was not expecting that greeting!

I have known A.J. for two years from the dog park. He is a young man whose street name is Books. He acquired that name as he is a voracious reader. He is also a talented musician who composes and records using his simple equipment, a laptop and a microphone.

I shared with A.J. my practice of daily meditation, breathing, bringing these concerns to our Creator and one by one asking for the grace to let go. In the process taking the necessary steps one by one to resolve them if possible.

A.J. listened but in reality wanted to be heard. He shared his anxiety regarding a project he was working on as a musician and "It has to be perfect!" "I'm under a lot of pressure from my friends on the street to make it, I need to prove myself and I have a deadline of April 1st. I want to share my love and bring unity to the streets. There is another dude who I feel like I am competing with. He has flashy clothes, the look and all the high tech equipment available to him. I feel overwhelmed by this."

There is a pause.

A.J., do you believe you are gifted, that you are creative?"

"Yes, I do."

"Where does that gift and creativity come from?, I inquired.

"It is from God", he answered without hesitation.

"Could you be being invited to letting go of your own strength and ability and exercising your faith?"

"Yes, yes, I believe I am."

"You are gifted and creative A.J., I have heard your music, it is beautiful and you know what else? You are unconditionally loved by your Creator who loves and accepts you for simply you."

These were not just words of assurance but the words of life.

"Would you like me to pray for you A.J."

"Oh yes, yes I would."

We prayed but you know what? As I touched his head the prayer turned into a blessing for who he was, his gifting and that he would experience the love of God and he too would not only arrange and play instruments but be an instrument of that love.

That love was palpable.

A.J. tightly gripped my hands, let go and then threw his arms around eme and said, "I love you."

"I love you too, A.J."

As he was leaving with his friends an old song began to play within me,
"There is a Balm in Gilead for you.........and for me."

I am humbled.