ADJUSTMENT

Adjustment or change is often difficult and it calls on remembering the past and the good it has produced, living in the present moment with all of its transitions and having hope for the future. My goal and heart is to do this very thing!

The kidney transplant went remarkably well on Friday, January 22 and I was voiding better known as peeing before I even opened my eyes. The physician's and team were very happy, needless to say what I felt!

I was released from California Pacific Medical Center in San Francisco on Tuesday, January 26 and am now at home recuperating. It has been challenging with the multiple side effects of the many new and high dosage medications I am on. These medications are to help my body not to reject the kidney (yet to acquire a name) and to ward off any infections that might try to attack it. I have had a lot of nausea, dizziness, sleeplessness and general weakness but the team tells me this is pretty normal and will take a few weeks to "adjust."

I am ever thankful for all of you. So many have called, written with their well wishes and prayers and I know once again it is what has sustained me. I have grocery shoppers, people who are preparing food, running errands etc. Most of all though expressing their love. I have not been able to return many of the phone calls as of yet but will and today is my first real day of trying to catch all of you up.

I am especially thankful to Rich who has given so selflessly one of his kidneys to me, to his wife Carolina and their daughter Gabriella. I believe it was a family endeavor and gift for all needed to be unitied.

Thankful to Tony Fletcher who I work with and is a very close friend here in San Francisco. Many of you heard his voice when he called you to inform you of how I was and am doing. He handled all of the details and is a great confidant in my decision making process.

I leave you once again with requesting your prayers; that Rich and I would recover smoothly without complications, that I would not reject the kidney nor get an infection especially in what is considered the critical time, the next 90 days.

My prayers and love are with each of you. I will write more in the next few days.

Bill/Will

SILENTIUM, TRANQUILLITAS

There is a stillness and an inner silence that has taken place within me over the past couple of weeks. One that has brought great inner peace and a sense of wonder to the One who has created me in their image.

The past two weeks has had an even rhythm, one of routine and stability. My strength has increased and in fact may be even better than even six months ago! I am ever thankful for this as I prepare for the transplant. My red blood cell count is within normal range now and that in itself is no small thing. Rich and Carolina have made their flight and hotel reservations and will be here in San Francisco on Tuesday, January 19th. Rich and I will be admitted to California Pacific Medical Center on Thursday, January 21 and our surgeries will take place the following day at 10:30 a.m. I can hardly believe we are almost there.

So many of you have come to me with offers to assist during this time and while I am recovering, thank you. It means a lot to me as I experience the love of Our Creator expressed through each of you of whose image each and every one of you are formed in. You have assisted me in making this journey. One that has brought me deeper and closer to the Mystery, one that has directed and guided me to that place of stillness, silence and rest.

I would ask that you continue to pray for both Rich and myself that our surgeries and healing would go smoothly, without complications and that our team would proceed with skillfulness and wisdom. For Carolina that Christ's spirit would be with her, bless and keep her as she is supportive to Rich. She too is giving of her time, taking time off of work these next few weeks to be with him in San Francisco.

May God in his mercy fill you with his grace and may you know in the quietness of your souls his amazing, unconditional and accepting love.

Bill/Will

Sweet Silence
You
Envelope me in love

You bring the Peace
That transforms
My Soul

In Nothingness
I am comforted

Without speech
You embrace me

I am serene
In the
Stillness
Of
You

LEAPING WITH JOY!

Today's reading on this last Sunday of Advent was the Visitation of Mary to her cousin Elizabeth and how John the Baptist leapt with joy when he heard the voice of Mary and knew that she was carrying Emmanuel, God with Us, the Savior of all Creation. So it was Elizabeth did the same we are told in our homily today. We were asked "When did you leap for joy when you had a visitor?" I pondered this question and in my present journey my answer would be when I have been met every step of the way in my journey as I walk towards my transplant. How I have been met by the visit of Christ in my physicians, nurses, health care providers and in each of you. How the spirit in me leaps when I have heard the good news of each test which has opened the door for me to receive my transplant, how it leaps for joy when I have been graciously served by so many of you in errands, a place to stay when I have needed it and your prayers. A joy when I speak to my friend Rich who is so selflessly giving to me one of his kidneys. I have had many moments of "leaping for joy" these past few weeks.

This past Friday I had my last medical test, a cardiac catherization to clear me for my transplant. The test went well, my heart is in good condition and the date of January 22 has been securely set. I am joyful. I know that I have been met every step of the way and I know that this is just a portion of my journey. The next phase is my surgery and recovery and again I have learned to take it one day at a time. I must admit I was quite anxious before the catherization and it was difficult "letting go" but I relied greatly on all of your prayers and the realizaion that I have been seen this far and "Emmanuel is with me."

Please continue your prayers and know that I am thankful and think of you with great joy. Blessings and peace to each of you as we celebrate the Nativity of Christ!

Much love,
Bill/Will

WITH A GRATEFUL HEART

It is with a grateful heart that I write this entry/update. I was released from the hospital this past Friday evening after 3 weeks. I fondly refer to it as being released from cell block 158-B. My last week was spent mostly regaining strength via physical therapy and beginning the regimen of dialysis. I knew I was getting better the last week when I was incredibly bored and went into whinning mode.....always a sign I am on the mend!

I am grateful to Fr. Ray and Fr. Don and the St. Agnes Community for their love, support, visits and prayers.

I am grateful for the excellent care I received while at CPMC.

I am grateful for the transplant team and my donor Rich and his wife Carolina who have taken the "bull by the horns" and have been very proactive in getting this transplant going and for their generous and loving hearts.

I am grateful for all of the notes I have received via e mail and FB from so many of you. Your love, support and encouragement and the telephone calls. What a wonderful group of family and friends I am blessed with!

I am grateful that the transplant date has been set, Friday, January 22.

I will not return to work until after my transplant. My hope is to use the time for rest but also just a time of reflection, writing and prayer. As all of you know I am an activist but am learning to let life unfold.....daily.

Blessings, peace and great joy to each of you during this Advent Season!

Much love,

Bill/Will

Thankfulness

"and be thankful in all things....."

On November 15 I woke up very early with upper abdominal pain, vomiting profusely and wound up coming to CPMC emergency. There I was admitted and 3 days later had my gallbladder removed. Simple enough but post surgery my kidney's, which were already compromised shut down. Furthermore I was still with high fever, still vomiting and had become confused. They let me know I was also diagnosed with H1N1, moved me to the step down kidney ICU and placed me in isolation. There I was the model patient, trying to get out of bed, questioning every act they were doing, setting off every alarm and paranoid as all get out after they gave me ativan which had the total opposite effect on me as it does on others. Others it calms, me......well, how shall we phrase it.....made me paranoid, confused and agitated! Some would like to use the phrase "Crazy" but I know they don't mean it!

Through this period many decisions had to be made; I started dialysis, speeding up my transplant and trying to get all of that into place and this Monday being transferred to rehabilitation for a few days. In the midst of all of this I lost my ability to ambulate, had zero strength. Since dialysis I am regaining this and it is almost miraculous......in fact......it is! The hope of a January transplant is what all are working toward.

I spent Thanksgiving here, seemingly away from friends but not really; Steve, Leslie et al, called and checked in on me ( I have spent the past couple of decades in Wa. state with they and others at Thanksgiving). Jude and Sandy who brought me dinner, so many loving phone calls from so many. I am THANKFUL. Thankful for all of you, thankful I have a support team, I have a donor, we are moving ahead. Thankful to God who has granted to me all things to come to know his compassionate love in very reals ways through each of you. You are our Creators hands, mouths, eyes, ears. In you, I see the face of God.

I continues to solicit your prayers and know, without a doubt they are what strengthen and encourage me.

I am THANKFUL!

Blessings and much love to each of you,

Bill

Darkness to Light

It is often said that out of darkness comes light. So it has been for me in the past 24 hours. In my last update I wrote about my challenges the past month; injury of my knee, broken ribs, vertigo and most importantly my need for a kidney donor. Thursday, late afternoon I received two e mails from friends on the east coast, a husband and wife telling me it was important for me to contact them. I did and he said to me "I am your donor, I am your match." I was stunned not knowing what to say except thank you but really my gratitude is so deep. This person I have known since I was 22, my best friend in college and someone who I have not lost touch with over the years. He was like and is to this day like a brother to me, a soul/heart connection if you will. Also I was informed that his wife also stepped forward to donate.....what can I say? There were 4 friends who came forward when the need for a kidney became known, they selflessly gave of themselves and I have deep love and admiration for each of them. I am a blessed man. As for my friend from the east coast he is giving me literally, the gift of life!

There are now many steps and plans for us to take and I solicit your prayers and thoughts that all will be done smoothly and in perfect time.

It is true.....from darkness......comes light!

Peace and grace to each of you,

Bill

An Update

I have created the blog Penitus Iter Itineris (an inner journey) to update all of you who have been inquiring about my health and also my reflections as I take this journey called "life." I thank you for your love, prayers and words of encouragement over these past few months and your faithfulness and loyalty in "checking in" periodically. I can not express to you how much it has meant and how much it means to me.

Since I wrote you in June regarding my need for a kidney and how I am now on the kidney transplant list at California Pacific Medical Center in San Francisco life has been a bit of a roller coaster ride, with great highs and great depths when you feel like the bottom is going to fall out! Four people stepped forward to be tested to be considered to donate a kidney for me. One person was ruled out due to health, the second was almost a go but in the end due to some personal issues is not able to commit at this time and I have been told the other two have been tested. One has heard, the other has not and I am waiting to see if they step forward to take the next step. In general I have been well. I live a full life; working, active in facilitating contemplative groups and having days of quietude and rest. As the months have progressed my energy level has plummeted quite a bit and I have become very anemic. This has been somewhat remedied by me taking a drug called Procrit, which I inject every two weeks to increase my red blood cells and to try and bring my blood count to normal levels. By doing this it increases my energy but I must admit I have had to scale down my commitments over the past few weeks.

My last appointment with my nephrologist (kidney specialist) was on the 28th of October. At that time my physician said that if by my next appointment on December 3 I have not secured a donor I would most likely have to consider dialysis. My creatinine levels have been increasing on a much faster rate the past couple of months and it is now time to take a serious look at this. I was hoping to avoid this step but now am unsure that that will be a reality.

On another unrelated note the past three weeks have been challenging. I fell three weeks ago, severely bruised and sprained my right knee and broke two ribs. On Monday, November 2 I woke up with the room spinning, became very ill and could hardly stand up. I went to the emergency room where they admitted me for 3 days and said I had Vertigo and a "virus"in my inner ear. I seem to have recovered but am taking the rest of the week off and resting and using it as a time of reflection. I know I sound like a train wreck but as Julian of Norwich said "All Shall Be Well."

What has this meant for my interior journey? Sloooowww Down, be attentive, listen, let go.... Be not afraid, trust. Be real, honest about my feelings, my fears, my hopes and to know that my life "is in his hands."
I know that it is all of your prayers that has made and is making that is granting to me inner strength and I am truly grateful to each of you and ask that you will be blessed with deep peace in these coming days.

As you pray please pray for a donor to step forward but most of all that Christ's peace would abide.

Blessings to each of you,
Bill