Tuesday, April 27, 2010

NEW

Playing in my mind and coming from my mouth has been the song by composer Marty Haugen, "Shepherd Me O' God" based on Psalm 23. In particular this verse:

Shepherd Me O'God
Beyond my wants
Beyond my fears
From Death
Into Life

So it has been for me these past 6 1/2 months. I have gone from being in critical condition this past November to, as my nephrologist said to me yesterday "You look great in person and on paper!" It was the first time he has seen me since my surgery. He is the physician who guided me through this with skill and compassion up to my surgery and then the transplant team began its portion.

My lab values are all great with my creatinine at 1.1, I was ecstatic! I have not felt this good in almost a decade. As I stated in my last blog I am walking at least 3 miles almost every day now and some times more. I have dropped 45 lbs of which approximately 30 lbs was fluid, my glucoses are within a tight range and I am full of energy and thankfulness.

On March 1 I began to seek an apartment in my former neighborhood in Cole Valley, where I had lived for almost ten years before my illness this past year. I eventually stopped in on my former landlords clothing shop and let them know. They told me their tenant gave a verbal commitment to stay for 2 years and 1 year had not yet been completed but they would love to have me back if anything changed. The next morning as I was discussing this with a friend the telephone rang. On the line was my former landlord and he said "You are not going to believe this but my wife and I returned home last night in our mail box was our tenants 30 day notice. If you want it the apartment is your at the same rent you paid when you left. I was literally stunned, I couldn't believe it as I loved the neighborhood and my apartment. He also stated "We renovated the apartment, new floors, new rugs, new tiles, new paint." Did I say NEW?

I visited St. Vincent de Paul Wellness Center in our South of Market area. It is a center for people to walk in off the street and participate in various programs. It mostly serves the indigent and the homeless and is an amazing place to see Christ's love in both those who attend and in those who serve. Beginning in May I will be serving there twice a month. I will be offering health education classes one time per month and the second time a month I will be conducting health screenings and listening to questions and making referrals. I was very stirred by this visit and when I observed those serving was taken by their love for those who attended. When I observed those who attended I could not help but to see Christ in their humanity and remember the words and examples of Christ, St. Vincent de Paul and Dorothy Day to name a few. This is.....NEW!

I return to work this Monday, May 3 to the LightHouse for the Blind where I serve as an R.N. Case Manager for a team that was established by the Mayor of San Francisco that also serves those who are struggling and often marginalized. In speaking with my supervisor last week she stated that my job would be changing as of July 1. I would be doing less case management and more direct nursing and nursing consultation with the other case managers. It also means I will not be at the summer camp as much this summer, disappointing in some ways but I embrace it as timing is so essential. We have been able to recruit other nurses over the past couple of years who are loving, caring, beyond competent and fun......a very important ingredient. Again........NEW!

All of you have played a role in this. Old friendships whom I have much history with have deepened and have been reNEWED, and those whom I have recently come to know in the past few years even months have all been encouraging and insightful. I am thankful for all of you and for my family. A deepening trust, an encompassing love and acceptance has been my portion.......NEW!

As I ponder all of these things I am profoundly refreshed in the deepest part of my soul and full of hope for today and the future as I allow a NEW Life to unfold.

Thank you all of you and especially Rich whom I shall never be able to truly express my gratitude.

I have been shepherded from all my wants, from all my needs, from death.......into life!

Blessings and Christ's peace and much love to each of you,
Bill

*I invite you to connect to the website below, click the "Shepherd Me O' God" song, close your eyes, take a breath, listen and let go.

www.spiritandsong.com/compositions/8450

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

AWARENESS

Awareness means consciousness/knowledge and another word for awareness is "wakefulness." In the past few weeks during the Tridium (Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Holy Saturday) I could not help but be "aware" of all that was taking place both from around me and within. Without were the beautiful liturgies that so moved me and assisted me in capturing, even if it be for a moment the last week and three days of Christ and then his glorious resurrection. I was sorrowful, grieved but then elated with hope and joy at his resurrection. What a beautiful moment when the angel said to the women who went to the tomb "Why do you seek the living amongst the dead?" Throughout that time I became so conscious of Christ's humanity and ever thankful for it but also his divinity; fully human, fully divine. Thankful because I struggled during this time with my own darkness, my own weaknesses and my own challenges. Why was this coming up now? Why couldn't this be a time of peace and grace? Oh, how I wanted to be comforted, to be calm but this was not the case. As the Tridium progressed I became distracted, unaware and could we say perhaps "unconscious?" How I wanted to avoid the very struggles I was faced with, how I wanted to be numb to them! Is this Holy Week I thought, is this what Lent is about and is this joy? As time went on I stumbled, I fell and I felt defeated. Is this resurrection life? Will I ever really be transformed, converted into more of Christ's likeness?

Often it is in the stillness that the grace filled movement comes to me. It visits with divine love and speaks the words of truth, the words of hope. I am human, I do fall and if I did not what then would Christ's death mean? What was it for?

This past Sunday in our weekly newsletter one of our staff wrote a beautiful reflection on Peter. How he denied Christ three times and then Christ appears to him and the disciples on the Shores of the Sea of Tiberius. Peter recognized that voice and jumps from the boat to swim to Jesus. Was Peter ashamed of those times he denied Christ and was he weak? I would say yes but that could not surpass that voice of love! The voice that called to him, to his disciples, to me, to you and calls us to share a meal with him. "I am the bread of life" he later states. Peter was asked three times "Do you love me?" and each time he replied "Yes." Each time Christ called Peter to service "Feed my sheep." Tend my lambs." "Feed my sheep." As the writer in our newsletter so wonderfully wrote, "Peter was given a second chance and was also called to service." How often have I been given a second chance? How often have you been?

I am very aware now in fact "awakened" and through this grace filled journey these past few months I would never have guessed the challenges I would have endured during this season of Lent. My challenges were not only physical, they were actually easy in comparison to the spiritual and it is not only my physical body that has been awakened but my spiritual as well. In reality are they not integrated and one of the same? For I shall not only rise in Spirit but in body and not only my Spirit lives but so does my body and soul, mind and heart. I know that my redeemer lives and on the last day I shall see him face to face. For now though he lives in me now and it is here that I have been given a second chance, a new life and it is here that I have been asked to serve.

Journey with me as I and we watch this unfold.

I am full of hope!

Blessings to each of you and may each of you know the joy of his glorious resurrection, your new life and be ever thankful, as am I that he is a God of "Second Chances!"

Grace to you,
Bill