Sunday, November 29, 2009

Thankfulness

"and be thankful in all things....."

On November 15 I woke up very early with upper abdominal pain, vomiting profusely and wound up coming to CPMC emergency. There I was admitted and 3 days later had my gallbladder removed. Simple enough but post surgery my kidney's, which were already compromised shut down. Furthermore I was still with high fever, still vomiting and had become confused. They let me know I was also diagnosed with H1N1, moved me to the step down kidney ICU and placed me in isolation. There I was the model patient, trying to get out of bed, questioning every act they were doing, setting off every alarm and paranoid as all get out after they gave me ativan which had the total opposite effect on me as it does on others. Others it calms, me......well, how shall we phrase it.....made me paranoid, confused and agitated! Some would like to use the phrase "Crazy" but I know they don't mean it!

Through this period many decisions had to be made; I started dialysis, speeding up my transplant and trying to get all of that into place and this Monday being transferred to rehabilitation for a few days. In the midst of all of this I lost my ability to ambulate, had zero strength. Since dialysis I am regaining this and it is almost miraculous......in fact......it is! The hope of a January transplant is what all are working toward.

I spent Thanksgiving here, seemingly away from friends but not really; Steve, Leslie et al, called and checked in on me ( I have spent the past couple of decades in Wa. state with they and others at Thanksgiving). Jude and Sandy who brought me dinner, so many loving phone calls from so many. I am THANKFUL. Thankful for all of you, thankful I have a support team, I have a donor, we are moving ahead. Thankful to God who has granted to me all things to come to know his compassionate love in very reals ways through each of you. You are our Creators hands, mouths, eyes, ears. In you, I see the face of God.

I continues to solicit your prayers and know, without a doubt they are what strengthen and encourage me.

I am THANKFUL!

Blessings and much love to each of you,

Bill

Friday, November 13, 2009

Darkness to Light

It is often said that out of darkness comes light. So it has been for me in the past 24 hours. In my last update I wrote about my challenges the past month; injury of my knee, broken ribs, vertigo and most importantly my need for a kidney donor. Thursday, late afternoon I received two e mails from friends on the east coast, a husband and wife telling me it was important for me to contact them. I did and he said to me "I am your donor, I am your match." I was stunned not knowing what to say except thank you but really my gratitude is so deep. This person I have known since I was 22, my best friend in college and someone who I have not lost touch with over the years. He was like and is to this day like a brother to me, a soul/heart connection if you will. Also I was informed that his wife also stepped forward to donate.....what can I say? There were 4 friends who came forward when the need for a kidney became known, they selflessly gave of themselves and I have deep love and admiration for each of them. I am a blessed man. As for my friend from the east coast he is giving me literally, the gift of life!

There are now many steps and plans for us to take and I solicit your prayers and thoughts that all will be done smoothly and in perfect time.

It is true.....from darkness......comes light!

Peace and grace to each of you,
Bill

Friday, November 6, 2009

An Update

I have created the blog Penitus Iter Itineris (an inner journey) to update all of you who have been inquiring about my health and also my reflections as I take this journey called "life." I thank you for your love, prayers and words of encouragement over these past few months and your faithfulness and loyalty in "checking in" periodically. I can not express to you how much it has meant and how much it means to me.

Since I wrote you in June regarding my need for a kidney and how I am now on the kidney transplant list at California Pacific Medical Center in San Francisco life has been a bit of a roller coaster ride, with great highs and great depths when you feel like the bottom is going to fall out! Four people stepped forward to be tested to be considered to donate a kidney for me. One person was ruled out due to health, the second was almost a go but in the end due to some personal issues is not able to commit at this time and I have been told the other two have been tested. One has heard, the other has not and I am waiting to see if they step forward to take the next step. In general I have been well. I live a full life; working, active in facilitating contemplative groups and having days of quietude and rest. As the months have progressed my energy level has plummeted quite a bit and I have become very anemic. This has been somewhat remedied by me taking a drug called Procrit, which I inject every two weeks to increase my red blood cells and to try and bring my blood count to normal levels. By doing this it increases my energy but I must admit I have had to scale down my commitments over the past few weeks.

My last appointment with my nephrologist (kidney specialist) was on the 28th of October. At that time my physician said that if by my next appointment on December 3 I have not secured a donor I would most likely have to consider dialysis. My creatinine levels have been increasing on a much faster rate the past couple of months and it is now time to take a serious look at this. I was hoping to avoid this step but now am unsure that that will be a reality.

On another unrelated note the past three weeks have been challenging. I fell three weeks ago, severely bruised and sprained my right knee and broke two ribs. On Monday, November 2 I woke up with the room spinning, became very ill and could hardly stand up. I went to the emergency room where they admitted me for 3 days and said I had Vertigo and a "virus"in my inner ear. I seem to have recovered but am taking the rest of the week off and resting and using it as a time of reflection. I know I sound like a train wreck but as Julian of Norwich said "All Shall Be Well."

What has this meant for my interior journey? Sloooowww Down, be attentive, listen, let go.... Be not afraid, trust. Be real, honest about my feelings, my fears, my hopes and to know that my life "is in his hands."
I know that it is all of your prayers that has made and is making that is granting to me inner strength and I am truly grateful to each of you and ask that you will be blessed with deep peace in these coming days.

As you pray please pray for a donor to step forward but most of all that Christ's peace would abide.

Blessings to each of you,
Bill