Sunday, December 28, 2014

THANK YOU, 2014



The year of 2014 has been filled with changes. It has brought new life and a deep gratitude for  my Creator and for each one of you who have journeyed with me. This includes my family, my community at St. Agnes Church in San Francisco, my Dog Park Community and my community in my neighborhood of Cole Valley. Each of you have played a part in encouragement, challenging me to move ahead and through it all you have exhibited love. I am also grateful to my friends on Face Book. Often we think and say what a waste of time this is but FaceBook has allowed me to stay in contact with those near and far bringing together those whom I have known for decades and those whom I have known but a short time.

After being in a wheelchair for over a year I finally received my prosthesis for my right leg in the middle of June. Through an amazing physical therapy team which includes not only UCSF but friends from my neighborhood and dog park but also my co-workers at Enchanted Hills Camp in Napa. It was there that I initially began to walk during the summer. It was here where I needed to be vulnerable and a bit dependent as I took my first steps with a walker, a cane and eventually on my own free of any support devices. I am grateful.

In July I became a board member for the Independent Living Resource Center of San Francisco. This is an organization for advocacy for people with disabilities and paving ways for independence and freedom. This includes programs, speaking out for disability rights and advocacy. I am grateful for this opportunity to serve in this capacity.


August brought a family reunion on my mother”s side of the family, the Ryan’s. It was so wonderful to see cousins I haven’t seen in decades but were so close to when we were children. It was filled with joy. I was able to visit my brother and sister, niece and great nieces, Wayne and Paula and I was able to spend significant time with my cousin whom I call Aunt Rosemary. She has in many ways been a second mother to me over the years. I also got to spend time with my cousin Mike, his wife Jackie and their son and daughter Sarah and Tony. Mike and I were mischief makers as kids and guess what? We still are! 

Lest I not forget the great lunch I had with some of my grammar, junior high and high school friends in Saratoga; Lynn Nutter Eddy, Susan Cramer Colleen Brundage, Maryanne Brundage Fredericks and Fred Lee. What a time it was reminiscing, looking at one another and thinking, Wow, we’ve not aged, we’ve grown richer and deeper and besides that we look great, just like we hadn’t aged much at all! Of course the lighting was a little dim, our vision isn't what it used to be but…….Hey!

I must also mention what a delight it was to spend time with an old, ok not old but long time childhood friend Tom Benson. 

Onward to Boston where I spent time with Rich Arnold, his lovely wife Carolina, beautiful daughter Gabriela and Matt her ever clever and humorous fiancee. Rich is like a brother to me and he and I have known each other since SUNY Albany days. Rich donated one of his kidneys to me in January, 2010 and saved my life in the process.

On October 28cannot I started my own business in medical case management, VENIA CASE MANAGEMENT. I have been blessed thus far with five clients. It is both exciting and scary. 

I have also been privileged to serve the poor and homeless this year in ways I never dreamt possible. I have gotten to know a number of people in the homeless community in our neighborhood and also have begun volunteering at the Wellness Center in San Francisco. The Wellness Center is part of a ministry through St. Vincent dePaul and many in our community at St. Agnes are a part of this. My hope is to begin a group called “Our Stories” which would encourage participants to share their stories, what gifts they believe they have and what have they done that day to encourage someone and to bring life and healing to them. I am also on an advisory board at the Wellness Center which is prayerfully discerning spiritual formation and spiritual direction. I am privileged to be a part of this. I also participated in early December at a retreat for Non Violent Communication. This was eye opening and it is my hope I will become more a part of this in this coming year.

Thank you, all of you for your love, encouragement, practical serving me when I was in need and your prayers. Words cannot express my true gratitude and the love I have for each of you.

May 2015 bring you peace in body, soul and spirit.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

TODAY IS HOLY SATURDAY

This day is Holy Saturday, the period of silence, stillness and deep waiting. Yesterday was Good Friday and with it the profound suffering of humanity made manifest in the Crucifixion of Christ. My soul has been made tender, raw through these last couple of days as I have been keenly aware of this walk. This walk, as Christ's is mixed with passion, suffering and feeling alone. At moments it seems as though there is no hope and yet just as Jesus fell along his road with his cross and was offered help so it is in my life. Jesus' face was wiped, Simon the Cyrene assisted him with his cross when it became to heavy and none of this was comfortable.

In the past couple of days my walk has been full of disappointments, hopes seemingly dashed and discouragement often flooding my soul in such a way that I have had to stop. My cares, my cross seemed to heavy. I simply had to and have to acknowledge it! This is not comfortable but true. Just as Christ needed help from Simon to carry his cross, so I have needed help in carrying mine. This is a time of letting go, recognizing loss and being dependent, vulnerable. It is the place where faith is summoned to come alive and live in trust. There is a part of this that must be walked alone to do its work for it is a moment that I become face to face with Jesus' humanity and Christ's Divinity. It is humbling and it causes me to be struck in awe and fall prostrate within my soul.

Hope seems a far when crucifixion takes place. In death and burial is silence, stillness and great waiting. It is Holy Saturday.

As the day moves forward there will begin the tremors and rumbling within my soul and my spirit as the stone is quaked away from my heart.

Can you hear it?

Today is Holy Saturday, for now I wait in silence.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

THE WASHING OF THE FEET OR IS IT FOOT?

THE WASHING OF THE FEET
OR
IS IT FOOT?

Today we as Christians observe Holy Thursday at which time Jesus the Servant washed the feet of his disciples. Today also marks one year ago that I had a right below the knee amputation. Both are solemn and both are humbling.

As I reflect on this day I ponder Jesus, his heart, sacrifice and love. I also ponder all of you. My communities of family, friends and strangers. How you as Jesus have shown care, humility, kindness and love. At times throughout this year it has been overwhelming and humbling as each of you have reflected that love and always with grace.

You, as instruments have been the hands and heart of Christ for me unknowingly but for me there has never been a doubt. The outpouring of your love has been ceaseless. Your words of encouragement, visiting me in the hospital, caring for me in my home when it was needed, shopping and preparing meals, wheeling me up the hills of San Francisco when I have been to tired or lazy, cheering me on every step as I have battled health insurance, your humor which has been as healing balm to me, your listening ears. All of you have been a comfort and deeply in your hearts embraced me and set me free of myself. You are that heart not only as individuals but as a community. I am grateful!

This year has shown me loss, grief and sorrow but it has also shown me life, power and the hope of resurrection. Nothing is for naught and all things do deep work within if we say yes, by grace and I have been given that grace. Grace that has come through all of your prayers whether it has been done in thought, word or deed. It has not always been easy but all of you have been present.

In the quiet of my mornings and the stillness of my nights I am moved within to a deeper space. A space that has caused me to recollect and to discern what is of death to the soul and what is of life. I choose life. It has had its share of mire and thorns along the way but it has been cleansing, full of freedom and opportunities to let go and realize what are the important things. These things are not really things at all but love, they are you.

As I go to Holy Thursday mass tonight and I observe the Washing of the Feet all of you will be with me. With me as I remember Jesus who washed the feet of his disciples but also the feet of all with tender mercy and compassion so all of you have done unto me. I may have only one physical foot but you have given me many.

May you experience that cleansing, unconditional love and compassion especially this day and night within the depths of your hearts.



Monday, April 7, 2014

YOU AWAKEN


It is only
You
Who awakens 
My
Lifeless soul

Who raises it up
And
Springs it into
Consciousness

Out of darkness

Blind

Distractions
Whirl 

Confusion
Chaos

Hurls one
Into a
Storm

Reason 
Relinquished

Searching
Slamming

Into
Fraudulent
Factualness

Fog

Despair

A cry

From the
Depths

Transcendent
Translucent

You
Emerge

Hope
 is
Your
Gift 

Truth
Is 
Your
Peace

Authenticity
Your
Piercing
Transformational
Light

You
Reclaim

My
Soul

Will Simpson
7 April, 2014

Friday, March 21, 2014

BALM FOR THE SOUL


From a distance as I entered the Dog Park I saw three homeless men I recognized waving to me, one of them was A.J.with his pit bull Back-up. I acknowledged them but continued onto a different part of the park as I was with a friend whom I wanted to catch up with. Moments later A.J. came over and sat across from me and with an anxious look asked, "How do you handle stress?" Wow, I was not expecting that greeting!

I have known A.J. for two years from the dog park. He is a young man whose street name is Books. He acquired that name as he is a voracious reader. He is also a talented musician who composes and records using his simple equipment, a laptop and a microphone.

I shared with A.J. my practice of daily meditation, breathing, bringing these concerns to our Creator and one by one asking for the grace to let go. In the process taking the necessary steps one by one to resolve them if possible.

A.J. listened but in reality wanted to be heard. He shared his anxiety regarding a project he was working on as a musician and "It has to be perfect!" "I'm under a lot of pressure from my friends on the street to make it, I need to prove myself and I have a deadline of April 1st. I want to share my love and bring unity to the streets. There is another dude who I feel like I am competing with. He has flashy clothes, the look and all the high tech equipment available to him. I feel overwhelmed by this."

There is a pause.

A.J., do you believe you are gifted, that you are creative?"

"Yes, I do."

"Where does that gift and creativity come from?, I inquired.

"It is from God", he answered without hesitation.

"Could you be being invited to letting go of your own strength and ability and exercising your faith?"

"Yes, yes, I believe I am."

"You are gifted and creative A.J., I have heard your music, it is beautiful and you know what else? You are unconditionally loved by your Creator who loves and accepts you for simply you."

These were not just words of assurance but the words of life.

"Would you like me to pray for you A.J."

"Oh yes, yes I would."

We prayed but you know what? As I touched his head the prayer turned into a blessing for who he was, his gifting and that he would experience the love of God and he too would not only arrange and play instruments but be an instrument of that love.

That love was palpable.

A.J. tightly gripped my hands, let go and then threw his arms around eme and said, "I love you."

"I love you too, A.J."

As he was leaving with his friends an old song began to play within me,
"There is a Balm in Gilead for you.........and for me."

I am humbled.



Wednesday, March 12, 2014

THE CHOICE OF LIFE

Throughout the past couple of days the readings for Lent have spoken of grace, forgiveness, journeying deeper and mercy. These are words that are not just for contemplation but action. Every day action and interaction!

I am brought to places that encourage it, call it forward and some times simply demands it. It is not simply esoteric but has flesh and blood, breath, life and movement. It pulses to come alive and into action by listening, being present, demonstrating genuine love for those I encounter. Those whom I know and those whom I don't. 

It involves being awake to my inner movements which some times have tension and choosing by grace to extend that grace, mercy and love to others. To pause, to breathe, to be present. This is what brings life not only to me but to others.

May each of us choose life, to be present, to listen and may it come from the depths of our beings where the Source of all life dwells.

"Good God, keep me forever inside your abundant and generous flow of mercy, toward me, through me, in me, and from me."
("Wondrous Encounters; Scriptures For Lent," Richard Rohr

Sunday, March 9, 2014

GOD IS LOVE


Recently I went with a friend to see the new cinema release, "Son of God." I must admit I have seen a lot of "Jesus" movies and each has something to offer but this one was different. This movie was simple in its presentation and its main focus was "God is Love." Oh, I know we hear that time and time again and some times it almost seems cliche, but is it?

In reality many of us have heard the opposite. We have heard of God's wrath and a set of rules. Ones that have brought fear and instead of drawing us to the source of all life it has often caused us to run from it!

In watching the movie I could not help to be moved by the very opposite. In it the Gospels, the Good News came to life. There before me the message was clear."God is Love." No matter what we are embraced by this love, mercy and forgiveness. Throughout the movie perhaps the most repeated phrase and so often in the Gospels is, "Do not be afraid, I am with you." How often do we hear that? How often does that calm the storm within our hearts

I was moved when Christ appeared after his resurrection and looked at Thomas with the eyes of love, held his head in his hands and said, "Thomas, do not doubt. You see and believe but happy are those who do not see but yet believe." Thomas was changed forever.

Time and again this love is shown in the Gospels; the paralytic man, the Samaritan woman, the diseased. Where in your life is that unconditional love shown? Where have you seen it take place in others? Where have you been an instrument to others and others towards you?

Today we remember Jesus being sent into the desert where he was tempted and by grace came through them. We too, during this season of Lent enter forty days and where are we tempted? Where do we desire to come through and where are we invited to go deeper and receive grace, mercy and unconditional love?

Let us journey together following the example of the One who has paved the way before us.

The Way of the Cross.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

ADAM, FOLLOW ME


As so many other early evenings I spent some time in our neighborhood dog park with my dog McGregor and socializing with friends from the neighborhood last evening. This evening was buzzing with lots of dogs and people as the weather was warm and the days were getting longer. This night was different though. Sitting on one of the benches, quietly and involved in reading on his cell phone was a man with a very full salt and pepper beard, thick long hair, pulled back wearing a woolen cap. I could not help but notice there was something very Orthodox in his appearance. Is he a young Orthodox priest? He looked as many I had known.

As the evening went on I asked him his name as McGregor was jumping on his lap, wagging his tail and receiving countless strokes of affection. "My name is Adam'" he stated. As I listened Adam began to share his story. He was Israeli, has been living in the U.S. and San Francisco for ten years, was a laborer and had a side job. He began to share his side job and his living on the edge lifestyle. It was dangerous and a profession that much of society would not only condemn but perhaps feel anger and repulsed. I too for a moment was taken aback! 

"What am I doing talking to this guy? Is he safe?"

The conversation, but mostly the listening went on for an hour and a half, before I knew it, it was dark and the only two people in the park were he and I. He shared his encounters of his second job and stories, lots of stories. He had been assaulted, injured but yet continued his job. "I need to be safer, I look out for myself, I avoid situations that place me in danger." Adam shared details regarding his profession and in some ways I was perplexed but yet it was obvious he wanted to and possibly had to share.

While our encounter was taking place I could not help but think of Levi when he was called by Jesus. Adam was in a profession that people loathed, he did it so "I can make money, it isn't easy out there, I am behind in rent." Adam was hurting.

Adam also shared foundational beliefs he was formed in as a boy that came from his conventional Jewish upbringing. It was intriguing to hear as it interwove through the conversation but was also in such dichotomy of his profession. 

When I opened the readings for today for Lent, what should one of them be?

 Jesus saw a tax collector named Levi sitting at the customs post. He said to him, «Follow me.» 
And leaving everything behind, he got up and followed him.
Then Levi gave a great banquet for him in his house, and a large crowd of tax collectors and others were at table with them. 
The Pharisees and their scribes complained to his disciples, saying, "Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?" 
Jesus said to them in reply, "Those who are healthy do not need a physician, but the sick do. 
I have not come to call the righteous to repentance but sinners." 

Levi was asked by Jesus to, "Follow Me." Could it be that Adam is being asked to do the same?

As we parted company I found myself looking into Adam's eyes, clasping each others hand, I said"Grace and safety to you Adam, be safe, take care of yourself." 

Adam also looked squarely into mine and responded, "thank you, I will."

With that we both agreed we would meet again in the next week and allow our journeys to unfold. 

"The healthy do not need a doctor, but sick people do. I have not come to coddle the comfortable, but to set trapped people free for a new life."          Luke 5: 31-32

Friday, March 7, 2014

OBLIGATION TO FREEDOM

Often our question before Lent is,"What am I to give up? What am I to sacrifice? What am I to take a break from or fast? We wrestle with inquiries from, shall it be chocolate?Alcohol? Or is it some other vice that holds us back or has control over us? Do we do it out of duty to what we were taught that which is the right or correct thing to do? Often this is done without really knowing why we are doing it. This becomes tedious, empty and simply motion, often without meaning. Sometimes we become prideful, other instances frustrated and our hearts become like stone.

We become trapped not only by what we are trying to give up but in the duty to perform it.

Where is our source of strength? Is it in ourselves? Who are we trying to please? For me this has always led to defeat and disappointment. I became weary of duty, of trying to please. 

In today's reading in our journey of Lent we are shown the difference from a fast that is one of duty and being trapped, to one that offers grace and mercy. Through this a conversion and softening of our heart takes place and we move from obligation to a heart of tenderness. From shackles to freedom!

In Isaiah it is declared by Yahweh that this is the fast we are to keep;

To break unjust fetters
and undo the thongs of the yoke,

To let the oppressed go free,
and break every yoke,
to share your bread with the hungry,
and shelter the homeless poor,

to clothe the person you see to be naked
and not turn from your own kin?

Then will your light shine like the dawn
and your wound be quickly healed over.

May we as individuals and as a community be converted in this way so our hearts may be tender, we move from shackles to freedom and our wounds and the wounds of others "may be quickly healed."

Thursday, March 6, 2014

AGNUS DEI


I entered the church for the 5:30 mass, it was dimly lit, barren as though it were asleep. There before me, before us, up in the front for all to see was the Cross, without Christ's body brought to focus with the deep purple drape that unfolded behind it. It spoke of the journey that Jesus would make, that we are invited to make with him during these 40 days. A road that will give us an opportunity to let go of the habits, thoughts and behaviors that have held us back from freedom. A chance to go deeper into our hearts and by grace say "yes, yes I will follow, I too will pick up my cross and follow after you." 

There will be pain, there will be suffering but with it in time, new life. 

High above the Cross was the beautifully illumined image of a lamb and just before we partook of the Eucharistic meal the Cantor softly began to chant;

Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, miserere nobis.
Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, miserere nobis.
Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, dona nobis pacem.

(Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world.
Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world.
Lamb of God , you take away the sins of the world, grant us peace.)

May each of us deeply experience the breadth of that chant in these 40 days.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

SLEEP........BUT YET


In the past couple of months the importance of sleep has been in the news. It has appeared in print, the internet and in interviews on NPR. One of the main purposes for sleep, according to the experts is for our brains to be "swept clean." To be clean of the information that clutters and to bring to the forefront the memories and interactions we have had to the forefront. The purpose of this is so when we are awakened we are refreshed, alert and focused.

For me this begs the question during this season of Lent, "where does my heart, my mind need to be "swept clean?" Where do I need to confess and to forgive? What memories do I need to be refreshed and awakened?  As I begin this holy season of Lent, and journey through the cross and experience its cleansing and mercy, may I also come alive and be awakened in newness in the resurrection.

Kyrie Eleison

Blessed Lent.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

IT IS SPRING!



The Season of Lent (spring, renewal) will begin once again this Wednesday with Ash Wednesday. It is a time we are invited to go deeper into our spiritual lives and to follow Jesus in his humanity and his divinity; "Fully Human, Fully Divine." In his humanity with all of his struggles and temptations and in his divinity, God Incarnate. This season is to be experienced. It is past human reasoning but a mystery of faith. Invited, called to descend in order to ascend and in between, letting go, dying to the things that grip us so tightly and sometimes or perhaps always suffering in some way deeply. None of us want to die or let go, none of us give up easily to change and none of us want to suffer but we all do. Our hearts long for change, healing and restoration but our fears and even our some times comfortable lifestyles resist it but yet we are asked, "Come follow me."
  
This invitation is not for the sake of suffering for sufferings sake or dying for dyings sake but for true change to occur, a new and renewed life to emerge, a resurrected life. One that is filled with life, compassion and mercy. One that pours out to others and reflects the goodness and love of Christ. We, by grace are asked to share in this.

How do we do this? For me this year I am being invited to gaze upon the crucified Christ. I remember doing this as a daily practice when I was a monk and in that gaze came a softening of my heart. I would sometimes simply gaze but other times have a phrase or mantra I would repeat. One example of this would be "You, oh Christ are full of mercy." Well, guess what? Christ already knows this but by this acknowledgment I not only placed myself under that cross full of mercy but my heart began to soften, to change. As this occurred I would be aware throughout the day and faith and grace were asked to be put into action!  Where, when and to whom was I being asked to show mercy to? It often came at the most inconvenient times, when I didn't want to, when I was in a situation where I might have been "right" or  felt transgressed. Really? Now you want me to show mercy?  

As my heart was softened so conversion took place deep within and when moments happened throughout the day to extend mercy so the transformation of my life emerged.

Where are you being invited this season of Lent? Where are you being asked to let go, to die so you might authentically live?

The words come to me, perhaps to you, "Be not afraid, I am with you."
It is by grace we are brought from death into life.




Wednesday, February 26, 2014

IN UNION

IN UNION

May I Become
Lost
In Your
Resurrected Spirit
Revivified
Reawakened

In Union

For All
Who I am
All that
I will be
But especially
In
This present
Moment

For I
Taste
and
See

Your Goodness
Your Grace
Your Everlasting
Enveloping
Love
Constant
in
Mercy
Ever
Encompassing


For This
I am
Ever Changed
Forever
Grateful

Will Simpson
26 February, 2014

Thursday, February 20, 2014

A JOURNEY OF GRACE

A JOURNEY OF GRACE

"Nine Days of Grace" is a journey our Jesuit Community in San Francisco are going through this past week in a half. It has been based in the richness of the Gospels, the reading of the qualities of love from 1 Corinthians 13 and the humble prayer of Father Pedro Arupe, S.J.:

Nothing is more practical than
finding God, than
falling in Love
in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide
what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, whom you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in Love, stay in love,
and it will decide everything.

Each day and evening has had a focus on love. Love is kind, love is merciful, love is hope and humble. Love endures all things. Wow, wait a minute, all things? The other evening I found myself confessing to one of our priests the unforgiveness I have been carrying towards some long time and dear friends of mine. It has gnawed at me and caused deep inner turmoil and grief. I am accustomed to letting go and by grace have often found it easy to forgive but this time has been difficult. Love endures all things has been one of the messages and it has resounded deeply in my soul. 

The priest looked at me knowingly, with compassion and looked deeply not so much into my eyes but into my soul and shared his own journey and then said, "Ask Jesus how he endures you, ask him to remind you and say the "Our Father." Woe, "and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." Stopped, dead in my tracks, deep conviction and awareness but with it grace. The grace that is so willingly given to me with mercy. It is a digging into my true self that longs to have my heart converted and to have it be authentically so. To endure also means to face, to suffer and so it is I have been asked to do not for its own sake but for love and grace to do its work deeply so it might breathe life not only into my soul but to those who I forgive. In so doing grace bears the fruit of love and in so doing freedom and resurrection life.

May it be so.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Shhhh

Shhhhh, listen to the silence. Stillness, peace and in the early morning before dawn, darkness. No words, just silence. So it is in my soul. There is a gentle glimmer and movement and in the darkness which seems so enveloping is a subtle sliver of light, but yet silence. As the stars emanate their delicate light so does that Mystery quietly illumine my soul. There is not fear but stillness, solace, silence. A sense of Oneness with the Universe, the I Am, the One whose name can not be uttered because of awe. I am as calm water without ripples but deeply beneath there is a fresh, life giving spring. So is my soul, so is my soul.