Throughout my life I have been known to be active, confident, take charge and assertive when I thought it was necessary. In fact I remember taking the psychological exam, the Myers Briggs a number of years ago and the person giving the exam who was the "expert" exclaimed to me, " you know, you would have made a great General!"
Another instance was about a dozen years ago when I had a medical crisis and one of my cousins found me unconscious. She eventually was able to awaken me but in the meantime she had also called my older sister. When I heard my sister's voice I immediately leapt out of my seat and shouted, "i'm back, I'm fine and I AM IN CHARGE!" Wow, let's not even discuss that pathology, that is another completely different story!
I have often been proud of my ability to lead, to make tough decisions and to take charge. Another way of putting it would be in control. Now that does not sound as gallant but yet it has been a part of my journey.
I have discovered that being in control is an illusion and yet it appears and disguises itself as real. It is painful to let go and more often than not I have run the gamete of mature rationalizations to childlike and yes sometimes even infantile expressions of screaming, kicking and biting all the way before I let go while I tightly held onto whatever it was I felt I had "control" over and had to give up.
This was also a season of activism, energy, fresh ideas and vision. It was full of life, community and laughter. May I not also forget my feistiness and having to be right.
Throughout each season of my life Christ has walked closely beside me almost always me not being aware. Sometimes I wonder what he may have been thinking. "Oh, he will learn." "Oy, what a fireball, what are we going to do with him?!" Always patient, always long suffering and always full of mercy and unconditional love. Do I have scars from some of those falls or from those times when I have walked into those walls of life? Absolutely. At the same time miracles have occurred such as once in awhile I actually get it!
Seasons change, sometimes abruptly but more often than not gently, slowly, a period of transition. As of late the latter has been what I have experienced. At first I thought abruptly but then I realized I was quietly spoken to in the depths of my heart that I was in the midst of change. I recognized it when I would sit in the early morning and listen. I heard it in the voices of those whom I worked with, played with and simply encountered throughout my day. Often unknown to them. I perceived it in the movement of my soul.
It is an occasion to let go. Living in the present moment realizing I am not in control. There is freedom in this but also fear. Fear of the unknown and often feeling irresponsible in not knowing what is next, not having a plan when our culture cries out for one. Freedom in living, abiding in the present moment, today, not yesterday, not tomorrow but now. Giving over, letting go, trusting, believing that "All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well."
Julian of Norwich, 1342 - 1416
All this is by grace.
"For Every SeasonThere Is A Purpose."