HEALER OF MY SOUL

HEALER OF MY SOUL

A.J. is a 30 something Afro-American man, dread locks, well groomed and homeless, at least to my eyes. He is dressed in tattered clothing and sports a kerchief as a head covering. He is always accompanied by his year old pit-bull, Backup. Backup appears menacing with his white coat and left eye which is encircled by a dark brown ring around it. Backup however is as gentle as his owner A.J. 

"He is like my son, you know," I have often heard A.J. say of Backup. It is so apparent. Backup is well taken care of by A.J. I have watched him as he has tenderly cared for him, nurtured him and loved him back to health.  In the cold Backup wears a worn woolen blanket as a cape to keep him warm. All of this provided by A.J.

One evening during the peek time of dogs and their owners playing and socializing in the park another homeless man Jim, who was thoroughly inebriated stumbled to the center of the lawn, spread out his sleeping gear and was about to fall asleep.  I and others have known Jim a number of years and asked him, with some irritation to move to the side of the lawn out of consideration for the number of people and dogs who were already there. Jim uttered something I was unable to understand. At that instant A.J. appeared, gently leaned over and asked Jim to do the same. Jim began to yell obscenities to A.J. I was now beginning to go off inside, frustrated and angry at Jim. This is because of my history with Jim but mostly because of my having worked and served the poor, addicted and mentally ill for five years. I was burnt out and had no tolerance or patience for this. I could feel my anger like fire at the core of my being wanting o consume me and with that same heat wanting to envelop Jim in it! I was familiar with this as it had come so many times before and so many times I felt hurt and damaged but also guilty. I asked myself, where was the Christ of the Gospels? Where was my heart for the poor?

As the fuel began to rage, I once again looked up at Jim and there kneeling beside him, through all of the abusive language was A.J. comforting Jim, inviting him to spend time with him on the bench or to simply rest. Jim knew the voice of love through A.J. and it pierced through his intoxication and he calmed down as A.J. offered his hand to assist Jim in getting up. I was both convicted and astonished and filled with amazement. I began to weep because right before my eyes the Gospel came to life. I felt my soul beginning to be healed.

I went over to A.J. shortly afterward to let him know how moving that was to me and to let him know what an example he was in his gentleness and acts of love and kindness.  A.J. was humble in his words and demeanor and when I asked him where he lived he simply said,"I live everywhere, it is all about choices and I have chosen this lifestyle. My life, our lives are a journey. I have a story."

"I would like to hear that story A.J. and your life's journey someday if you are willing."

"I would like that, he replied."

Little did A.J.  know but in that act of kindness to Jim and the love that he expressed, I saw and experienced "The Healer of My Soul."

WHERE AND WHO AM I?

"Before I can tell my life what to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am."

                               Parker Palmer

What is God calling me to do? Where is God calling me to go? Where do I belong? These persistent questions have circled back to the center of my prayers many times during my life. 

  From the beginning, two inner voices have been speaking to me: one saying, "Henri, be sure you make it on your own. Be sure you become an independent person. Be sure I can be proud of you, " and another one saying, "Henri, whatever you are going to do, even if you don't do anything interesting in the eyes of the world, be sure you stay close to the heart of Jesus; be sure you stay close to the heart of God."

Discernment: Reading the Signs of Daily Life by Henri J. M. Nouwen

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The quote by Parker Palmer and the questions posed by Henri Nouwen speak deeply and poignantly to where I have found myself these past few months and at this present moment. When I read them it was as if a laser pierced through my soul and went to the center of my heart! I have pondered these questions at various places in my life and all of them have involved change. Change, both exciting and often frightening at the same time.  There is always a sense of shifting in my inner person, sometimes subtle,  sometimes gentle and sometimes unsettling as if the platelets of my soul were going to erupt like the movement of the earth before it quakes.

During this present time of change in my life I am  asking the questions that Henri Nouwen presents and the wisdom of Parker Palmer, "Before I can tell my life what to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am."

Where am I being invited? What is it that burns within me and calls me to a different space? Where do I find joy, purpose and renewal? Where is life poured into me and where do I pour life into others? Where is not only that physical space but the Sacred one? All of this compels  within.

I know without doubt I find these answers in the quietude of silence and solitude where the busyness of my mind can rest and take refuge. It is where I can replenish, find peace and gently listen.  It prepares me and opens the doors to community where I can pay attention to what is spoken from the hearts of my friends, family, acquaintances and strangers. It is here that if I am attentive I can hear the inner voice of the Creator speak through them affirming and sometimes questioning my direction in love and sometimes addressing and seeing where I am blind.

Who am I at 60? Who are you at whatever age and place you are in your journey? Are you being invited, perhaps once again to discover, to awaken to a new unexplored and exciting space? Consider the questions of Nouwen and what are the choices you are being drawn to?

"Before I can tell my life what to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am."

                               Parker Palmer

THE CHRIST OF REALITY

As I have transitioned these past few months adjusting to my life in a new way I have come to know Christ in a way of pragmatism, simplicity and reality. I am reminded of so many things such as the Celtic saying that hangs on my wall "Bidden or unbidden, God is Present." A simple but powerful statement "invited or not invited, God is Here!" I invite you to take a moment to ponder this, to reflect and to realize. 

I sense God in "Spiritual Conversations" but what about our every day conversations, our conversations about the challenges in our lives? Our domestic lives, financial, health, our concerns for today and maybe even tomorrow? What about our emotional times? Oh yes, we sense God in our joyful and happy times but what about the times of disappointment, anger, frustration and depression? Do we sense God then? Often not but yet God is Present. I am beginning to learn that more and more. Is God present in my fears? Am I able to know that presence then or just when I am at peace? I am beginning to learn that if, by grace I take a breath perhaps even after I have changed the color of a room with my "creative" language that yes....God is Present. I am also learning that Presence through the voices of my friends who often see more clearly into my situation and speak truth, in love. When they do this that Presence that speaks through them dispels my fears, releases me into freedom and grants both grace and courage to take the next step. It is in the every day life that when attentive I know that Divine Presence.

I also have discovered in my readings and most recently through St. Therese of Avila who has been one of my companions on the journey says:

Let nothing disturb you,

Let nothing frighten you,

All things are passing away:

God never changes.

Patience obtains all things.

Whoever has God lacks nothing;

God alone suffices.” 

― Teresa of Ávila.

So it happens, so it becomes real to the core of my being. It becomes a chant, a prayer, a song but most of all...... a reality.

The song "Day by Day" also resonates within during these times:

Day by day

Oh Dear Lord 

Three things I pray

To see thee more clearly

Love thee more dearly

Follow thee more nearly

Day by day

The Christ of Reality is present, invited or not invited, day by day.

Really Chosen? Really.....Dying?

A Reflection on John 15:9-17 "No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends." "It was not you who chose me, but I who chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit that will remain, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name he may give you. " Often I have read this phrase "No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends" and thought that this meant literally and perhaps it does but as of late I have considered perhaps Jesus may have meant something else. Giving up ones literal life is noble and sacrificial but what about our daily lives? By this I mean letting go of my friends idiosyncrasies, you know the little things that annoy us. Accepting them fully, unconditionally, releasing expectations and not having to be right when perhaps we are having a disagreement. Instead realizing what is most important and in the end who is really in control but none other than the living and loving God. An addage comes to mind "Silence is golden." With all of this forgiveness and remembering the commandment "Love one another as I have loved you." Wow, easier said than done and did I just feel an ouch, a death within, a laying down my life for a friend?  "It was not you who chose me, but I who chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit that will remain, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name he may give you. " To be chosen, often we think that we chose Jesus but clearly here we read "I chose you." Here we see Jesus reveal what a wonderful, loving Father we have. We are all chosen if we listen to that whisper that speaks to our heart, to that longing that is so deep it is unutterable. It is here when we say yes, remain humbly grounded and remain in that love that we bear fruit of everlasting life not only for ourselves but for all of humanity.

"Works Greater Than These"

A Reflection on John 14:7-14 "The Father is in me and I am in the Father. If you know me then you know the Father. If you do not believe this then believe the works that I do, you shall do works greater than these." "Works Greater Than These" Often in many circles in the Christian faith one thinks of "works greater than these" as moving miracles, extraordinary events and momentous healing's but I wonder if Jesus was speaking of works that are motivated in mercy in our practical every day lives? The works of mercy to the poor, the hungry, the destitute? Works that are not so much recognized by outward signs and wonders but that of the heart. The day to day interactions of our every day life. The ones that take time, patience and resignation of our own inability to make something happen. Something simple that expresses itself in the acknowledgement of a person who is dirty, smells and in our natural eyes repugnant. Who are they, what is their name? Jesus acknowledged, Jesus paused, took the time and in so doing gazed into the persons heart, spoke their name. In so doing saw beyond the immediate need but deeper to a place of acceptance, worthiness, respect and mercy. He did not forget the practical needs for he fed them, provided for them and in so doing called them forth in all of their humanity, in all of their soul and in all of their spirit. He restored their dignity. Am I asked to do the same? Am I asked to "follow me"into those places? I too have experienced Jesus's touch, his mercy, his restoration through his expression in the face of humanity. My practical every day life. It is here where I gain hope, I am deeply brought to a place of humility and gratitude and it is here that I am raised up. I see the Father, the merciful God for it is here that Jesus and the Father are One.

I Choose to See!

What Do You Choose To Do This Day?

I Choose to See!

Even during this season of Lent it is difficult for me to slow down. All sorts of things are vying for my attention. In my day to day life it is the people I serve; the poor, the marginalized, the disenfranchised. I am pressed in many directions and it is especially here that I, if I choose can practically experience the Gospel. This sounds so wonderful at first but then the practical every day STUFF happens. I think I am equipped to meet their needs, have excellent resources, programs for each to participate in and have "a better life." This all sounds good and it is but in reality it does not speak to the heart. It meets the requirements of food and shelter but there is more. Where does it speak to the soul, the true desire, to be known, to be heard, to be loved, to have a name that is spoken with acceptance and respect?

Lent is a season of transformation from darkness to light, winter into spring and I can not help to see, by grace my own darkness by the light that is shown on my heart. It is shown when I expect. When i expect these "things" to meet the desired outcome. Whose desire? What desire? Could it be that there is a deeper more profound desire? A desire for hunger and thirst for righteousness sake?

On Ash Wednesday when the ashes were placed on my forehead it was said "Repent and turn to the Gospel."

Could it be the Gospel is turning to me? The true desire is seeking me?

The Gospel invites me daily in my day to day life but often I am blind.

Have mercy on me, a sinner and may I be given the eyes of the heart to see.

Saturday, February, 25, 2012

What Do You Choose To Do This Day?

"Being in the world without being of the world." For so long i did not have a clue to the meaning of this instruction which we find in the Gospel of John. How can I be in the world and not of it? For years this has perplexed me but over the last few some glimmer has assisted me in understanding. This is not an understanding of critical analysis but rather one that had to take the long journey to my heart.

Being in the world without being of the world" is counter cultural. The business of life, our economics, social interactions expect otherwise, demand otherwise. I find myself in the place of being surrounded by the roar that wants to overcome me in noise, chatter and places me to be unaware, not noticing. Something else is being asked of me, something else is inviting me to be aware, to notice. When Jesus called Levi, and the other apostles it says he "noticed" he directed them "Follow me" and Levi did. Where is Jesus asking that of me, of you to go to that inner space that brings stillness, peace, a new way of being. Allowing the new self, the new me to step out , be other than and share with others from that space. Sometimes that sharing is without words and just is. It invites me to "Notice" to become aware and to follow.

What Do You Choose to Do This Day?

I choose to follow, to notice, to be transformed into a new way of being!